Manic Effect
by Palaven Blues
Summary: While fighting a wicked manic phase, the line between fantasy and reality is blurred. But when I start losing the manic edge, do I also lose my place in the fight against Saren? Sort-of self-insert.
1. Prologue: The Mania Begins

Prologue

_The Mania Begins_

My heart thumping in panic, I shake the little orange bottle, listening for the tell-tale rattle.

Silence.

_You've gotta be kidding me._ They couldn't be _empty._ Without the meds I get manic, and when I get manic I get crazy and when I get crazy I—

I look around the spotless apartment, noting that all the books and movies are alphabetized—and organized by genre—and that the couch is covered in amigurumi, little crocheted dolls, all in various stages of completion. Apparently, mania had hit some time ago. That meant a new novel, full of horrible spelling, grammar, and flat-out crap from crazy brain, would be lurking somewhere on my laptop. I sink down onto the chair and pick up the nearest doll.

Nihlus, of course. Man, his colony markings must have been a bitch to do. When did I learn how to embroider properly?

_Focus, Faye._ Right, focus. It's Friday afternoon. Unless I'm about to kill someone, I won't be able to get a refill on my little happy helpers until Monday afternoon, at least.

"I'm gonna be talking to myself and seeing things before I can get in, aren't I?" I think about that for a moment and nod. "Talking to self: check." I take a deep breath. Somewhere off to the side, the little shadow thing dances. Just keep breathing. I've done this before. Just gotta get through it. Step one … step one ….

"Step one, make a list." Yes. When in doubt, make a list. I run to the closet—there is no walking in the Empire of Mania—and a moment later, notebooks pour out of my plastic footlocker as I dive into it, looking for the one perfect notebook. I grab that, one of my rolly-ball pens, and slump over the table.

_Step one: no smoking_

Right, definitely no smoking. Nicotine pushes the mania to a whole new level. And on that note—

_Step two: no caffeine_

Right, absolutely not. Caffeine's just as bad. I drum my nails on the table, listening to the sound, like angry rain.

But I want some.

Well, I'm already manic. It's not like one coke and a cigarette or ten is gonna _kill_ me. I shove the list in the pocket of my pajama pants and snag my current pack on my way to the porch.

#

Half a pack later, I drag myself back inside. I jitter and shake, and I laugh a little, remembering that I had bought a carton thinking I wouldn't smoke any more than usual, but I might save some money.

"Whattodowhattodowhattodo," I mutter, words running together into a slur even I can barely understand. There was nothing left _to_ do. Everything was clean. I'd done laundry, dishes, and even the damn floors. I'd made a bunch of plush turians. I'd read the Internet. Possibly all of it.

I poke the R2-Xbox awake and settle into bed, leaning against the wall. Can always play _Mass Effect._ Perhaps will stave off psychosis.

_When the hell did I start talking like Mordin?_

The game loads, and I decide to start a new Shep. I'm going to do a speed run, collect all the achievements I can, and by the time I get finished, I'll be able to run to the doctor and explain—while talking roughly a million miles a minute—that I would like some more of my anti-bi-polar drugs, please.

The shadow-thing beckons from the corner of my vision again. I glare at it.

"I don't need your ass—" I begin, and then stop. I had always thought the thing was a cat or something.

This is clearly a pyjak.

_Well, that's a new one._ I blink. I'm not looking. No reason to look. Trick of the damn chemicals, that's all. My plushie Nihlus lays on the floor, so I pick him up, snuggling him into my lap. "C'mere, Nihly. You'll protect me." He doesn't respond, but his green eyes seem to agree with me.

On-screen, I build a new Shepard. Black hair, like mine, although none of the styles are anything to brag about. I decide on a whim to let this one be a Vanguard. The wall behind me starts to feel a little weird, insubstantial. I lean forward and try to ignore it, moving through the extra skills I can give my new Shep, having earned the right in previous playthroughs.

I give my new Shep the sniper rifle as an extra skill. Biotics are okay, but I need my rifle. The wall still feels weird and I lean further forward, telling myself I'm just trying to read all the words on screen. Sure.

The pyjak jumps up in front of the TV. "Go away, shit face." I lean to the left to try to see around the shadow pyjak.

It flips me the bird.

"Did you see that?" I ask Nihlus. Unblinking green eyes neither confirm nor deny.

Onscreen, my Shep moves forward. She has to go talk to Nihlus, except they told her to see Anderson. Works for me. I'd rather listen to Nihlus over Anderson any day.

_Dat voice,_ I think, reminding myself that at some point, I should probably ask the psych about that little turian problem. Although it's not my fault if Nihlus both looks and sounds like dark chocolate.

The pyjak paces in front of the TV as Nihlus tells me about the mission. "Move, fucker!" I yell at it.

It does move.

It jumps to the bed and rushes me. I flinch back instinctively, forgetting that the wall was feeling thinner than reality usually dictates. I realize just after jerking back that I'm gonna hit my head, but I don't. Instead, I pass the point where the wall should be, and suddenly I'm falling, falling. I flail my arms as I fall completely off the bed, and I finally do thunk my skull, but not on the wall that failed to intercept me. Instead I hear the ringing of metal and wonder what the hell I've managed to do this time.


	2. Chapter One, Normandy

Chapter One

_Normandy_

I wake on a barely-padded metal table, bright white lights glaring overhead. Shit, what happened? Did they put me on a seventy-two hour watch again? I sit up, groaning.

"There you are. Weren't sure if you were coming back." Dr. Karin Chakwas smiles at me, rolling closer on her little stool.

I gape. My tongue has gorilla-glued itself to the roof of my mouth. I still don't move as she shines a little flashlight into first one eye, then the other, pulling each lid up almost painfully.

"Well, you seem alright. You had a mild concussion but we patched that right up."

"Where?" I know more words usually go with that, but I'm stuck. Dr. Karin Chakwas is giving me an exam, which means—

"You're on the SSV _Normandy, _dear. We picked up your lifepod. What we'd really like to know, however, is where you came from."

"Um …." I rub my head, stalling for time. _I'm from Earth in the early two thousands_ seems like exactly the kind of answer that could get me committed. "Everything's kinda hazy … do you think I could get some soda or something for my headache?"

Chakwas frowns, clear disapproval on her motherly features. "We don't keep that on-ship. You might be able to get some coffee—"

"That'll work." I hop off the bed—really, just a cot—and she rushes forward as if to catch me. I smile. They always expect you to pass out, no matter what the problem is. So far it's never happened to me. She walks me as far as the door to the medbay and points me in the direction of the mess.

I keep my face neutral, but the fact that she'd let me wander on my own surprises me. But then, any one of these uniformed guys might be watching. I get a cup of coffee from the cook and sigh. I never liked coffee, and this stuff smells even worse than average. But, the headache will soon develop into a real tit-buster if I don't keep the caffeine going; at least, until the crash, when I can sleep for fourteen hours and wake up feeling like a warmed-over corpse.

"Courage," I whisper, and two Marines snicker at me. I throw the coffee down my throat, swallowing in two big gulps. It scalds my mouth, but jeez, anything is better than having to taste it longer than I have to. I think instead of filters they may use old socks.

Disgusting or not, the coffee goes to work immediately. My eyes sharpen and I can finally look around.

_Bigger than I expected._ Well, that's hallucination for you. You'd think I'd just see what it looked like in-game, but my mind refuses to just accept what it's given; apparently, that extends to building a bigger, better _Normandy_ while I'm on brain vacation.

I ask for another cup of coffee. Bastard of a headache already. I take the second cup over to a table and sit down, wondering if the hallucination is going to stick to canon, or if I might get to compare ink with Vega and the Psychotic Biotic at the same time.

The two Marines that snickered before talk quietly, but their eyes keep flicking to me. Great. So, those guys are guarding me. And not well, if even I can identify them. I take a sip of my coffee and grimace. The second cup is not an improvement over the first.

"So … where are we at, anyway?" Tell me Palaven. Tell me Rakhat!

"Eden Prime," one of them offers. His eyes narrow at me suspiciously when my hand shakes and I have to set the coffee down. The mug makes a loud _thunk,_ offensive on the subdued ship.

I recover after a moment and pick up my cup again. "Think I'm from there," I tell them, and they return to their conversation, letting me think.

Shit. Eden Prime. So I showed up right at the beginning. Nihlus has a date with death today, and he doesn't even know it. Unless ….

He could already be dead. For all I knew, they'd landed before I woke up. How do I do this? I'm great at lying, but I've never actually tried to get someone to tell me something they shouldn't. One finger taps at the cup and I force it to still. I can't appear nervous, or they'll see that, and not answer me. I have to act like I fully expect them to just tell me.

"So, did the commander and the Spectre make it down to the surface yet?" I take a sip of my coffee to try to hide the smug grin; I asked so casually, I impressed myself.

Marine number one looks as me as if I'm a special breed of idiot. "We're not even in orbit yet."

_Well, that figures. I'm a fucking moron, I could have just looked out the damn window._ My face heats up, and I mumble something into my coffee, even I don't know what. _I should go,_ I think, and almost choke on my coffee.

_Don't start laughing, Faye. They already think you're too stupid to live, don't let them know you're crazy, too._ I set the mug down and rise from the table. If they are watching me, they'll follow. I don't care one way or the other. I've got to find Commander Shepard or Nihlus and convince them that Saren's getting murdery; I'm the only one who knows that Nihlus is about to die.

#

"Alenko!" Thank goodness, someone I recognize.

The biotic turns to look at me, never breaking stride. "Yes? Can I help you?"

I trot to catch up. "So, this Spectre, Nihlus? He needs to be careful on Eden Prime."

Kaidan laughs. "Don't worry about it. He's been military a long time; he's always careful."

"No, really. This mission—"

He stops, then, and his face shuts down. "This mission is not your business, ma'am. You are a civilian. And I doubt Dr. Chakwas authorized you to just wander wherever you want." He starts to walk away, and I grab his arm.

_Jesus, that's pure muscle._ My cheeks get warm again and I _really_ hope he's too focused on the upcoming mission to notice. "Jenkins," I tell him.

"Alenko. Kaidan Alenko." He uses the slow, patient voice everybody uses on especially dumb children, and I want to slap him, pretty boy or not.

I settle for rolling my eyes as hard as I can. It hurts a little, but it gets the point across. "The other guy. Jenkins. Richard L. Jenkins? Tell him to stay under cover and stay with the damn group."

His brow furrows, and I can tell I've finally gotten his attention. "How do you—"

"Don't worry about it. Can you settle a bet, though? Is his middle name really Leroy?"

"Leroy …."

I sigh, remembering why I never liked Kaidan. One simple question and he looks as though he's gotten lost and no longer knows how to get home.

"Let's move, Alenko."

Kaidan jumps instantly, falling into step beside her. I gape for a moment before I can manage to get moving again. This is Commander … Jane … Shepard. I could reach out and touch her armor.

_Yeah, but don't? Cause that would be weird._ Instead, I just try to keep pace, while also staring at her profile. She doesn't look like any of the Sheps I ran through the game. She has the red hair and freckles, but she doesn't look like the default, much; that one was an Amazon, kicking ass across the universe. This Shep looks ….

"Completely average," I whisper. Finally, Commander Shepard looks at me, green eyes seeming to analyze me before she speaks. Her tone is neutral, but the words crush me.

"What is this civilian doing here?"

"Commander Shepard, it's important. You need to tell Nihlus—"

"Someone get the civilian out of here," Anderson snaps before briefing for the mission.

Kaidan grabs my arm and drags me a little ways. "Stay quiet a minute, I need to hear this."

"Seriously, Kaidan, this isn't a joke, I need to talk to her, I need to tell her." I pull at his hand, in a death-grip on my upper arm, but even if he wasn't wearing armored gloves, I don't think I could move those fingers. _Does everyone in this game do one-finger Super-Saiyan pushups or what?_

"I move faster on my own." The reverberating dual-tones freeze me for a minute. _Oh, jeez, they're even better in real life._ By the time I can get my stupid brain back into gear, Nihlus has jumped out of the damn ship.

"Wait!" I yell, too late.

"Is she still here?" Shepard asks. "Alenko, did you catch any of this? We don't have time for mistakes."

"Yes, ma'am. Find the Beacon. Reports of geth on the surface."

His fingers still dig cruelly into my arm. Anderson calls someone on his omni-tool to come get me, like I'm an inconvenient pet.

_Fuck that shit. _"Unless I'm under arrest for some crime I don't remember, you need to let me go this second, Alenko. I have every right to go home and you can't stop me." I glare, willing him to hear _home_ as _Eden Prime._ It's a long-shot, but sometimes it works.

This time, it does.

He drops my arm and fixes those confused, worried eyes on Shepard. "Commander, we don't have a right to hold her."

Shepard steps up to me, and it takes all my will not to step back from her. This is one thing that's lost in the translation to games; the woman is just powerful, not just her physicality, but everything about her.

"You're going to get yourself killed," she tells me. "I should lock you down for your own good."

_Yeah, I've heard that before._ I lift my chin. A show of strength is all that might work, and I'm not feeling it. "It is vital that I go down to the surface with you."

She only takes a second to decide. "Not with me. You stay behind my group. Not too close, not too far. Get armored up. I won't have time to baby-sit you, so you'll be responsible for not getting yourself killed."

"Got it. Don't wait for me. Nihlus—"

Shepard barks laughter, slamming her helmet on and latching the clasps. "I wasn't planning on waiting. Alenko, Jenkins, let's move!" She jumps out of the open bay door, and her two soldiers follow her.

Anderson looks at me, one eyebrow raised, his face the picture of skepticism. "I can ground you no matter what she said."

"Yeah, but you tapped her for Spectre. So, you trust her decisions, or not?"

Surprise registers on his face, and I have to fight to keep my shoulders from slumping. This is exhausting. For a second, I want to give up; no point wearing myself out to have a slightly more interesting hallucination.

But the chance to hear Nihlus's voice in person again … that might have interesting possibilities.

"Captain Anderson. Sir. There is literally no time. Shepard said I could go. I'm not doing anything to endanger the mission." _Technically. I mean, I'm going to change it if I can get there in time. But, you know. Not going to mess it up._

_I hope._

"Gear's back here, then. If you're going to get yourself killed, try to minimize damage to the equipment."

The armor is not as self-explanatory as I'd hoped, but ten minutes later, I drop onto the surface. For a moment, all I can do is stare. This is Eden Prime. I am standing on _Eden Motherfucking Prime_ and somewhere ahead, Saren is downloading the Reaper treasure hunt into his brain from the Prothean Beacon. I step forward, and have to stop; the grass is weird, crunchy. It definitely isn't any grass I know from Earth.

"This is the most convincing hallucination I've ever gotten." _Well, then, hopefully Nihlus is _exceedingly_ grateful for me saving his life._ I blush a third time, even though there's no one to see me. And, you know, even though no one could hear my thoughts even if they were standing right next to me; some things don't change, and my blushing at the slightest provocation is one of them.

A burst of gunfire rattles off ahead and I startle. "Shit, that'll be Jenkins." _Get your ass in gear, Faye, you can't save Nihly—uh,_ Nihlus—_from way back here._ It takes a ridiculous amount of effort, but I manage to place one foot, then the other. Then I'm sprinting, desperate to catch up to Shep & co before it's too late.


	3. Chapter Two, Jenkins

Chapter Two

_Jenkins_

I tire surprisingly quickly, considering how manic I am; this damn armor is fucking _ heavy._ Can't take it off, though. I have managed to injure myself while doing nothing more impressive than sitting in a chair, reading a book. I am going absolutely _nowhere_ near gunfire or geth without armor.

I nearly piss myself when the first floaty-brain thing brushes up against me. My throat locks down, refusing to scream, and I fall back, fumbling for the little pistol Anderson gave me. The brain-thing doesn't notice, though; it just drifts away. Probably doesn't even know it bumped into me in the first place.

Up ahead, more gunfire, reminding me to get my ass in gear. I start running again. I have to get to Shep and tell her to warn Nihlus. I move from rock to rock, some token gesture towards staying in cover. Although if they didn't clear the little bots, I'm gonna get killed, anyway.

"Just a hallucination," I remind myself. Ignoring the smell of smoke, the rattle of far-off gunfire like little firecrackers, and the way the jelly-brain felt sliming against my armor, I keep telling myself that none of it's real; it's the only way to get through these phases sometimes.

This lasts until I literally trip over Jenkins's corpse, going face-first into the dirt. I pull my helmet off, coughing out the dust that found its way inside, trying to pretend that I did not just stumble over a corpse; there is no corpse still lying under my legs, since I haven't moved yet; in fact, maybe there's no such thing as corpses because _euuugh._

Then it grabs my ankle.

I shriek—an actual, out-loud shriek this time, even if I did lock my throat to keep it quiet—and start scrambling, trying to pull away. Its grip is inexorable, first keeping me from putting any distance between us, then dragging me back closer. I roll onto my back, fighting again with the little pistol; I still haven't figured out how to unholster the damn thing.

My brain is stuffed full of panic-bugs, just skittering and swarming and preventing a single thought from coming through.

The gun won't come lose, and Jenkins's hand still has its death-grip—_Really, Faye, "death-grip?" Is that appropriate?_ I bark laughter at the thought that finally fought through the emergency and kick at Jenkins, hard. He doesn't let go, so I keep kicking, landing solid hits to his face and hand. I'm giggling, unable to stop the debate in my head over whether "death-grip" was apropos, or morbid.

"Would you please just let go before they come back and I have to explain why I'm giggling and stomping the shit out of a corpse?" I slam my heel into his head, and mercifully, he lets go. I scoot back several feet and just lie there for a second, panting and fighting off the last few chuckles.

"It's your fault I'm dead, you know," Jenkins remarks, almost conversationally.

I sit up to look at him. "I tried to warn you. You're the dumbass who ran out of cover like an idiot."

"Some warning! Now I'm dead, because you failed." Blood streaks his face, but only his armor is riddled with holes. That's good. I don't need the image of half a face visiting me when I hit my other phase.

"Lol, nice try, Jenkins. I'm awesome and you know it." The word "failed" tries to echo somewhere in the back of my brain, but I have no idea what he's talking about. Maybe it'll mean something after the crash, but mania just reminds me how fucking amazing I am at everything.

Shaking my head, I get up and dust myself off, and then jog up the little hill. Still gotta catch up.

I find Shep and co just at the top of the hill, in the little woods. She and Alenko are fighting the little flying-bots. I slide in next to Alenko. He boggles at me for just a second before sending a Throw and knocking one of them right out of the air.

"Very nice," I tell him.

"Commander?" Got a little problem here."

Shepard looks over, grunting as her own biotic attack knocks out the remaining two enemies. "What did I tell you, civilian?"

"You gotta call Nihlus. He's gonna run into Saren, and he's going to end up dead."

Shepard looks unimpressed. "Alenko, do you have a sedative on you?"

I scurry away, not waiting for the answer. Shit! I know how that story goes. First the sedative, then the straps, then I'm stuck with people playing Prescription Roulette on me until they find something that makes them like me.

"Hey! Get back here, get down!" Shepard yells.

I keep running, going over the mission from the game. Next stop is Ash, then where the beacon was supposed to be, then one more bit of landscape to get to the spaceport where Nihlus is shot. If he's meeting Saren just after Shep leaves the dig site, I have to get out ahead of her.

"Can't … let them … catch me," I puff. I risk a glance backward, and for once it's not just phrasing I overuse, it's an actual _risk,_ as I trip over a root or something at the tree-line. I lurch forward, trying to recover, but I hit the downhill slope on awkward footing, and suddenly I'm rolling. Gunfire flashes above me as I tumble and slide against a pile of rock at the bottom of the hill. Shit, are they firing at me?

Ash, in her pink Phoenix armor, puts a hand on my shoulder. "Stay down. It's the geth, and I'm out of heat-sinks."

Oh, it's just the geth. Shit! "Take mine," I tell her. "I don't know how to use any of it anyway."

She doesn't hesitate, just yanks the heat sink off my equipment, shoving the empty gun back at me. I don't know why, I can't fire the thing empty. Still, it's nice to finally have it in hand, instead of bolted into my armor. I push myself into a sitting position, rock against my back. At the edge of the forest, Shepard and Alenko slide into view, firing over the rocks into the geth behind me.

"Hey, Williams." I smile, trying to look reasonable and harmless.

Ash ducks out of cover, fires at a geth, then pops back behind the rock, next to me. "Do I know you?" she asks.

"Any chance you could tell Commander Shepard that Saren's planning on killing Nihlus?"

Ash looks at me for a moment, then quickly turns away as Shepard yells.

"Soldier!"

Shit, the fight's over. I jump up, gun held low so they don't shoot me, and scramble around the rock, continuing up the path.

"Grab her!" Shepard yells, too late. I'm fucking gone, beating feet toward the next thing. Behind me, I hear Shepard yell at Ash to fall in, skipping the little intro-scene in favor of chasing me down before I kill myself, suicide by geth.

_Huh, _I think, as a new thought surfaces. Shepard probably has a guilt-complex thing, right? She already lost Jenkins. She'd probably feel like shit if I got shot to pieces because she couldn't catch me.

"Hey, Shep!" I shout. "I ain't slowing, so you better clear a path for me!"

The gambit works. I hear a muffled curse from her helmet and she picks up the speed; good. I'm heading into the dig site Ash was supposed to lead them to …. Oh, well. She can explain it just as easily this way.

Plenty of cover here. This is where the game would always force you to learn how to duck. I collapse by the first rock; I can't quite see the geth yet. I'll have to break for the next outcropping—

A shot lands on my cover, inches from my face.

Shepard stands a few yards back, pistol trained at my head, now; belatedly, I remember I abandoned my helmet after Jenkins grabbed me. "Drop the weapon and get down on the ground, or I will take you out."

_Well, this was fun_. _I wonder, though, do I get killed by Shepard before I wake up in the hospital, or do I get taken prisoner and executed after a proper trial?_

I hold the gun loose, hands open as I lower them to the ground. Surrender's my only option at this point.

More gunfire erupts behind me, and my heart thumps and Shep and her team dive into cover. Shep's shot must've drawn the geth out.

I bite my lip, weighing the risk, then remember it's still just a hallucination, after all. Thus decided, I slide my face around my cover to get a feel for the geth's placement, yanking back quickly before they can line me up. There's only a couple of them. They seem pretty busy firing at the people who are firing back.

I happen to catch Shepard's eye while I'm steeling myself to go for it. She must see what I'm doing because she shakes her head at me.

"Don't you dare. Stay down!" Man, she sounds _pissed._ If I survive this, she's probably gonna kick the shit out of me.

But Nihlus is so close. And just a few minutes away from getting shot in the back of the head, by his old mentor.

I shrug at Shep, trying my best to look apologetic.

"I swear to Christ, if you leave that cover—"

Before she can finish the threat, I bolt. Only a couple of geth, I remind myself, only a couple. I sprint past them, hoping they stay focused on the soldiers.

_You know, Faye, they weren't sent here with the orders "shoot Alliance." Pretty sure they're supposed to keep anyone from getting past them._

Well, shit. I push my burning legs harder, noticing one geth turn its flashlight head toward me as I fly by.

_Shit, shit, shit._

I'm nearly all the way around the dig site when the impact hits me in the shoulder, and I go down. I don't feel the pain yet; never do until I crash. My left arm, though, is numb and useless from the shoulder down.

I watch the geth as it lines me up again. Well, this was stupid. I hate waking up after getting killed in dreams. So damn disorienting.

The geth makes that chittering, waiting-for-dialup noise at me, then explodes before he can pull the trigger.

_Thanks, Shep. _I don't wait for the soldiers to catch up. Instead, I scramble to my feet once more, my left arm hanging dead at my side. I hope it's just unconscious or something. Pretty fucking stupid to lose an arm to the geth on the first damn mission.

"You think that's bad, I fucking died."

"Oh, shut up, Jenkins. I know you didn't follow me this far." I ignore him and keep running, hoping only that I can make the spaceport ahead of Nihlus getting his trusting ass killed.


	4. Chapter Three, Saren

Chapter Three

_Saren_

_Shitballs!_ I can see the spaceport, and suddenly I freeze. Weren't there supposed to be a ton of geth in the area? Are they not here yet?

In the distance I see Nihlus, pacing a little. Oh, good, I made it.

And then Saren shows up, stepping out of the shadows like every villain in every monster movie, ever.

"Nihlus!" I yell, running again. He doesn't hear me, and I'm just sprinting full-out, praying to no one that I make it. My side seizes painfully, and there's nothing to do about it; my free hand is dead and I'm wearing armor. Nihlus looks at Saren. Why the fuck isn't he more weirded out about the creeper Reaper eyes? I swear to dog, if I got this far only to have to watch him get shot—

"Wouldn't be the first time," Jenkins says beside me. "Well, not _shot,_ but you know what I mean. I wonder if you just like getting people killed?"

I ignore him. It's super fucking annoying that he doesn't have to breathe while I'm fucking panting and gasping and feeling like my side is getting _ripped open …._

"Nihlus!" I scream again, as loud as I can, the word tearing at my throat. I start coughing—_Gotta quit smoking, Faye—_and half-collapse on the grass still a good distance from the spaceport, but this time, he hears me. He turns, mandibles gaping.

And Saren's still right behind him.

Nihlus takes a step toward me, and Saren's raising the gun, oh, shit, not right in front of me, please.

"Don't, Saren," I bark out, raising my own gun. I'm kinda surprised to see it, actually; forgot it was still clenched in my right hand. Saren hesitates for just a second, snarling, but it's enough to give Nihlus time to at least _duck._ He rolls away, but he's slow, like he doesn't quite get what's going on.

Saren's first shot goes wild, missed by a mile, and I pull the trigger, meaning to end this whole Saren bullshit right from the beginning.

And nothing happens. I pull the trigger again, and a third time, before actually looking at the thing. I try to figure it out, still one-handed as my left arm remains numb and useless. Did I miss a safety somewhere? I've never even held one of these things before—

_Before I gave all my clips to Ash, and she gave me back an empty gun._ I drop it, then; it's just a fucking paperweight. Saren smiles at he raises his own pistol, lining me up, and I curse to myself. Gonna wake up, hot enough to have sweat through the sheets, in about two seconds. I hate nightmares. Nightmares where I die are a special kind of hell.

I throw up my hand, as if that can defend me from a _gunshot, _oh, of course, Faye, why wouldn't it?

A weak blue pulse flickers from my hand. _Oh, shit, that's right, I picked Vanguard._ Saren's eyes narrow at me, and he tenses, just a little, as if wondering if I'm going to use a proper throw or something.

"Saren!" Nihlus's first shot catches him high in the shoulder. Then there's a real biotic pulse as Saren does something, knocking Nihlus down.

_Get up, asshole!_ My mouth opens to scream it at him, but I just start coughing again. I have no idea how loud I screamed before, but I may have fucked something up doing it.

Saren raises his gun again. His protégé is lying on the ground, and he's gonna kill him right in front me.

A burst of gunfire forces Saren back as Shep blazes by me.

_The cavalry made it!_ If I was able to cry, ever, I'd be crying in relief right now.

Saren gives some command, still falling back, and geth pour in, covering his retreat.

"Stay down," Kaidan tells me, crouching by me. He pushes me toward the ground and I don't fight it. I think I've done about everything I can. Rolled down a hill, fucked up my arm, fucked up my voice, and tried to shoot someone with an empty gun; sounds about right. At least Nihlus is safe.

It only takes a few minutes for Shep and Nihlus, plus, of course, Ash and Kai to clear out the wave of geth, but Saren's already made good his escape. Figures.

Kaidan lets me sit up once the geth are gone and starts checking my shoulder. Shepard, Ash, and Nihlus are talking to that Powell guy over by the crates. That's just bizarre. I wonder if Nihlus is asking him if he planned on just watching Saren shoot him.

I rasp laughter, and Kaidan half-smiles in response.

"Anything I should know?" he asks, removing the shoulder piece of my armor.

I shake my head. Try to explain that Nihlus is supposed to be dead, but now he can harass Powell about letting … um, having been going to let …? Oh, never mind. I shake my head again, convinced it would take forever to explain it even if I could talk.

Kaidan hisses slightly when he sees my shoulder. I look, and roll my eyes at him. Big baby. The shoulder is hunched and already turning purple, looking like it's grown an extra shoulder.

"It's dislocated,' Kaidan murmurs. "This is going to hurt a bit."

_Bitch, please. I've broken bones without making a sound._ I stare into his eyes as he works my shoulder, shoving it back where it belongs. I don't even flinch, which makes _him_ flinch. Fucking Kaidan.

He gets my armor pieced back together and start tying my arm, immobilizing it. Nihlus and Shepard finish talking with Powell and he runs off, but Nihlus and Shep stay there, still talking. Their eyes keep flicking to me, and once, Nihlus points straight at me, his posture tense.

"I don't think he's happy you saved him," Jenkins snarks. I can't say anything in response, not with Kaidan right here. Kai gives a final tug on the sling he's made, making sure I can't move the shoulder, and Shepard and Nihlus finally finish talking and head towards me. There's a moment of confusion as Shep steps forward first, before remembering that Nihlus is the Spectre, here; he outranks her.

_Well, that's gonna get awkward. She's supposed to do this whole thing with without grown-up supervision._ I bite my lip, suddenly panicking that I might have messed things up, big time.

"You want to tell me what that was?" Nihlus demands when he reaches me. Seven-foot-something of angry turian looming over me, his green eyes blazing, and I shrink back, dropping my gaze. _Jesus, Faye, you're fucking shot, but you cringe if someone talks a little mean to you?_ I shrug my right shoulder, careful not to move the other one, and tap my throat with one hand. Sorry, can't help you, buddy, my voice is all messed up.

"Get her on her feet and into some cuffs. She's the only one besides Saren who knew he was going to kill me."

"Aye, sir." Ash, looking pissed, steps forward and yanks me to my feet, but Kaidan argues for me.

"She's injured, sir. You can't cuff her. And it kinda seems like she helped you out?"

I'm stunned; Kaidan actually seems like a pretty good guy. Meanwhile, I can feel the heat radiating from Ash. Probably spitting nails that she thinks a turian is right about something.

Nihlus's mandibles are slowly sweeping out and back in; I think I decided in a fic that was rage. Jeez, I hope I was wrong on that one.

He towers over Kaidan. "She has questions to answer. If you lose her, there will be hell to pay."

"Sir." Kaidan says.

Nihlus checks his gear, still giving orders. "We've still got to get to that beacon. Williams, you take rear and if this woman gets away from Alenko, take her down. Remember we need her alive."

I shiver at the frost in his voice; I've never heard him sound like that before. _Well, derp, Faye. He was onscreen for ten minutes and then died. Everything else you've read was fan-stuff. Besides, you think he's a damn Spectre without being able to act like one?_

Nihlus moves out, Shepard right behind him, and Kaidan places a hand on my lower back, moving me along with them. Behind me, Ash is ready to shoot me—probably in the leg, she follow orders—if I make one misstep, and all I can do is watch Nihlus, wondering who the hell did I save?


	5. Chapter Four, Beacon

Chapter Four

_Beacon_

I don't get to see much of the rest of the mission. Nihlus and Shepard jog out ahead; I catch glimpses of them when Kaidan drags me between covers.

He drops me behind some crates as another wave of geth shows up. Luckily he makes sure, every time, not to drop me on my injured arm.

I wait until the geth are down and Kaidan grabs me again before talking. "Kaidan. You're going to get hurt if you keep babysitting me. I promise I'll keep up—" My voice rasps, tearing at my throat.

"No way, miss. I follow orders."

"It's Faye," I grumble, knowing he probably can't even hear the strained whisper. My feet shuffle, trying to keep up as Kaidan moves me around like a ragdoll.

He drops me against one of the big-ass charges while he deactivates it.

"Oh, no problem. I mean, if it blows up, at least I won't suffer."

Kaidan snorts, but Ash, providing cover for us, snaps at me. "You stand a better chance of it being deactivated if you don't distract him." Three shots from her assault rifle follow her statement, and I glance over to see three geth fall dead. _She is an excellent shot._

Things go quickly; even with Kaidan split between the mission and watching me; a team of four can fight through faster than a team of three. _Um … did Saren have enough time to do his thing and get out, or is he gonna kill us all right here?_

_No, no … he's gotta be gone … cause, he saw me, and I knew who he was, so if he's still here, things are gonna get unpleasant for me …._ I shudder. _Please let him be gone? _Of all the people I could have pissed off already ….

"Serves you right," Jenkins mutters. "Watched me get killed, watched that other guy get killed …."

"Are you still here?" I whisper; the sound is barely audible over Nihlus and Shep discussing the beacon. Kaidan lets me go—finally, mercifully—and I collapse to my knees, panting. Manic or not, I don't usually go running miles and miles in full armor every day. My shoulder starts throbbing to the point that I notice it; the mania plus whatever Kaidan may have given me is wearing off, I guess.

Jenkins is still baiting me. "How long did the car-wreck guy follow you around?"

I wonder if anyone would notice if I jump Jenkins and start punching the shit out of him with my good arm. I open my mouth to tell him off, when I realize Kaidan isn't hovering anymore.

Instead, he walks, jaw slack and barely still holding his gun, toward the beacon. I look to Shep, but she doesn't see him yet. She and Nihlus are deeply engaged, and Ash is wandering the other direction. I'm the only one who sees Kai zombie-shuffling toward it.

_I could bump him out of the way and take the Reaper visions for myself._ Ooh, that's a good idea. Then I'd be the hero, save everyone ….

_Yeah, and who's listening to you, dummy? Who's giving you a ship like the _Normandy?

Well, there goes that idea. I'll just wait for Shep to take over.

Aaaaany second now.

I chew on my lower lip. _Shep?_

Jenkins laughs at me. He must have gotten plugged in the head at some point; blood runs down his face in a thin curtain, leaving only gruesome outlines of his features.

Shepard is still talking to Nihlus. _Um, Earth to Shep? Hellooo? Can you not see that one of your team_—

Kaidan is almost at the beacon. Another step or two and she won't be able to knock him out of the way; she won't get the visions, no one will stop Saren, the Reaper War happens two years early, everyone dies, the end.

_All because you just had to save Nihlus. _I push myself to my feet, trying to shout. Nothing but a mewling rasp comes out. Dammit, why did I waste any voice on _Jenkins_?

"Shep!" I try again. I jog toward her, glancing over my shoulder to see Kaidan take another step. The beacon almost has him, and it originally almost killed Shep; would he even survive? Would anyone get Reaper visions?

Still looking back, I knock into Nihlus, bringing us both to the ground. "Kai," I rasp at Shepard. She takes one glance at him and starts running. Nihlus pushes me off him, face-down, and plants a knee in my lower back.

_Gee, thanks, dick._ I do manage to see Shepard bowl into Kaidan, forcing him away from the beacon just in time. I bark silent laughter; victory!

"Williams!" Nihlus yells as the beacon arrests Shepard, holding her immobile as she seizes. "Don't touch her," he shouts. Good; it's probably like grabbing a live wire or something. What they need is a rubber stick.

This sets me off on a fit of giggles, still silent. Nihlus does something to my feet, ankle cuffs or something, then hurries over to Shepard and her team.

"Don't know what you're laughing about. You wrecked everything already just by showing up."

_Eat a dick, Jenkins. I'm doing the best I can._

"Not good enough. You nearly lost them the beacon. You know how important that is."

Shit, yeah. I do. I chew on my lower lip again, peeling thin strips of the surface of it off, wondering how to minimize damage without causing any more. Shepard's body seizes a final time, and the beacon releases her. Nihlus and Ashley bustle around her, setting her down on the ground and starting CPR. Or whatever they call it in the future. Kaidan looks dazed, still, and looks at me, face confused. Whatever the question, I'm pretty sure I can't answer.

#

Nihlus directs Ash and Kaidan to carry Shepard into the shuttle, then comes back for me. My charming view of the spaceport decking doesn't allow me to see anything, but I can feel rage radiating from him in palpable waves.

"Anything you'd like to tell me about that beacon?" He kneels to uncuff my feet, his touch gentle, but his voice rumbles low and dangerous. Unfortunately, my fetish for turian voices is well-established; I tremble slightly, and it's not from fear. But I've gotta remember that Nihlus is a Council Spectre. If he's pissed enough, I'm in some serious deep shit.

"Let's go," he says, pulling me to my feet. Not gentle, but he avoids yanking my bad arm, at least. I can't figure him out at all. He marches me over to where the shuttle lands, then gets me on board and buckled in. I'm still shaking a little bit. A normal person might reassure me right now, if they weren't planning on eating me alive.

Nihlus just watches me, cold green eyes giving nothing away.

_Welp, I'm boned. By the guy I actually want to—oh, bad word choice, Faye._

My face must've gone crimson again, because Nihlus looks at me weird, mandibles twitching.

"Do you do that often?" he asks, gesturing with one talon at my burning face.

"Fairly often," I mumble, eyes down. He doesn't answer, but I can feel him still staring. When I finally glance up, his look is dangerous; evaluating. He unbuckles his safety harness and moves to sit next to me.

_What the fuck is he doing?_

_Well, you saw his wiki file. Willing to do anything to get the job done._

He leans in close to purr directly into my ear, and I can't help trembling. "After Dr. Chakwas has checked you out, I'm going to ask you a few questions. You're going to answer them like a good girl, aren't you?"

Unthinking, I just nod at him; there's no way I can say "no" to that voice. _Oh, you bastard. That's totally cheating._ At least I manage not to moan out loud at him. Guess I'll save that for the interrogation.

#

Nihlus walks me to the medbay, but Chakwas busies herself with Alliance crew first; no surprise. Besides, I'm very nearly fine. Maybe Nihlus will forget I'm even ...

No, no, he's staring right at me, even as they discuss Shepard's condition. I fight the urge to squirm under that stare, and lose. I fidget, and I just know he's thinking he's won. Whatever information I have, he'll get.

So he thinks.

_Use this, Faye._ Right. I can't tell him where I'm from, obviously. Duh. But if he thinks I'm broken already, he'll believe the right lie, if it sounds good.

_Now, just think of the right lie._ Right. Go ahead. The right lie. Uh-huh. Let's think of it.

Chakwas finishes with her crew and comes to look at me. "Back again? I just released you. What's the damage this time?"

"Rolled down a hill. Dislocated shoulder when I got shot?"

"That all sounds inadvisable." Her tone holds none of the warmth it had before; clearly, Nihlus told her something. Still not sure just _why_ he's so pissed. I mean, sure, I got in the way a little. But I clearly did save that asshole's life, right?

The asshole in question is still staring at me as Chakwas gingerly probes my shoulder; he leans against the wall as if he's got all day.

"Well, I see no reason to hold you." She glances to Nihlus, who pushes away from the wall.

"Wait," I say, mouth numb. "Wait. I'm ... seeing some things that aren't supposed to be there."

"Are you now?" Chakwas asks. Her face sets in a disapproving frown. I sigh internally; I should have lied, cause you can't get doctors to believe you when you're telling the truth.

"Go ahead, Spectre."

"Let's go." Nihlus places one hand in the middle of my back, nudging me to hop off the medical cot. I don't see any choice but to go. He has his questions, and he's gonna ask them.

I just hope the answers I come up with are good enough.


	6. Chapter Five, Interrogation

Chapter Five

_Interrogation, Part One_

Nihlus's hand still on my lower back, I walk, directed by gentle pressure. Left, right, another left, and we reach a tiny room with a table and a few chairs, and not a damn thing else.

"Sit down," he growls at me.

I almost laugh, but rein it in. But seriously, if he knew how many times I've had this exact fantasy ….

_Aaand I'm blushing again. Shitballs._

Nihlus produces a datapad, seemingly ignoring me for the time being. Well, fine. I can do stubborn. I'll just sit here all day, if he wants.

Except a bolt of pain shoots through my head. Shit, I need some caffeine or something. The adrenaline's long gone. I start to ask if I could get some coffee, but my face cracks open in a huge yawn.

Nihlus looks irritated, but doesn't say anything about it, instead launching directly into his questions. "Name."

"Faye Nox," I mutter. My voice isn't great, but they gave me something to drink for that, some kind of numbing thing, so I can at least talk out loud. Although judging from the murderous look on Nihlus's face, it might be better for me if I couldn't.

"Faye Nox," he repeats, keying it into the datapad. "And you claimed you were from Eden Prime?"

"Technically, no. I told Kai—um, Alenko that they had to let me go home, while _implying _that home was Eden Prime."

His green eyes look at me flatly, the expression saying that I must be a special kind of stupid. Well, I don't care. Just because I can lie doesn't mean I like to, and _technically_ it hadn't been a lie.

"So, where are you from?"

_Shit! You really should have thought at least this far ahead. _"Well, you know. Grew up military. No real home, uh, planet."

"Really."

"Yes, really. Military brat." I'm watching him, but I'm also sorta watching myself; the key to a good lie is acting naturally, so when he gets to the questions I need to lie about, I have to make sure my face and body language are doing all the same things as when I tell the truth. It's different every time, especially since right now I'm dealing with injury and the combination of being terrified and wanting to bang his brains out; I can't just use any default lying tone.

"Cut the shit, Nox. You're not in anyone's records. You weren't raised by any _legitimate_ military members."

My mouth drops open. That hadn't even occurred to me. "So, like, what, you're saying I wasn't registered at a military hospital? Because—"

"No, I'm saying your birth wasn't registered anywhere, on any system. Officially, you weren't born, which means you grew up somewhere outside Council law."

_Fuuuuuck._ I feign a casual attitude, shrugging my uninjured shoulder. "I'm not responsible for clerical errors."

"Ever visited the Citadel?"

The sudden change in topic throws me again, and I realize that my awesome lying powers were never tested against a cop, let alone a galactic super-space-cop.

"No." Surely that's safer. I re-compose my lying face. It's not really a lie, anyway. No reason to panic.

"No," Nihlus agreed. "You've never visited the Citadel, or Earth, or Illium, or anywhere within civilized space."

_Shit, they keep tabs on everyone everywhere? What kind of Patriot Act bullshit is this?_ "Is that a crime?" I ask, raising my chin. I will not be intimidated.

Well, until he sits closer and starts growling. Then I'll be intimidated. Also, turned on. But I'm still safe enough while he's across the table.

"Terrorism is." His mandibles are flexing again; he looks ready to chew tin and spit thumbtacks. And with those glinting silvery teeth, he probably could.

"I really don't know what you're talking about. You've lost me there."

"Then let me break it down for you." He comes around to my side of the table, perching on the edge of the chair next to mine. He leans in close, growling right into my ear again, just as I predicted.

Man, I know this is meant to be scary, but my toes are curling inside my boots as I stare straight ahead, not trusting myself to look at him. That fucking _voice._ The purring timbre is so intoxicating, I almost miss what he's saying.

"Saren attacked Eden Prime, with geth, and tried to assassinate a Council Spectre. No one got even a whiff of his plans before now, yet you knew exactly what he was doing, exactly where he would be. You're going to tell me every little thing you know about him and what he's planning."

I blink twice, trying to process all that. When it clicks, I laugh. "Wait, that's what I'm in trouble for? You think I'd work for _Saren?"_ I start giggling, unable to help it. "Oh, that's so … seriously, are you even a real Spectre? Cause that's some real shitty detective work. Do me a favor, get me some coffee or something. I'm getting a headache."

Nihlus sits up straight and while I can't read the expression on his face right now, I know I'm treading dangerous waters. So hard to think, though. Pulses of pressure build in my head with each word, feeling like my face will burst open to let the pain out.

"Listen to me, you—"

"Knock, knock." Kaidan lets himself into the interrogation room. "Captain Anderson wanted to get the rest of our armor back."

I stand up, suppressing my sigh of relief. Did I really just question Nihlus's skills? A turian Spectre, one who's known for doing whatever it takes? Yeah, I'm probably gonna get my ass beat, and I'm not sure I'm submissive enough to enjoy it, as angry as he looks. Nihlus stalks over to the door, as if guarding it while I try to figure out the armor. My good hand slides over the chest piece, looking for the latches, but Kaidan chuckles and brushes my hand away.

"Let me help you." He de-armors me with no trouble, leaving me standing there in—oh, right, my damn pajamas. Because why wouldn't I have shown up here in my jammies? Not, not embarrassing, my dear Faye, not at all, why do you ask?

And now I'm blushing with Kaidan six inches away, sort of undressing me, he's going to think ….

He clears his throat, and I know he's thinking I have the hots for him. I cringe, the blush getting worse, and there's no way to explain it; anything I say will just make it worse.

_Well, shit, may as well use it._ "Kaidan …" I whisper. "My head hurts … do you think I could get some coffee?" Helpless-girl-face works on Kaidan, I can tell, but he's too much of a soldier to fall for it instantly.

"Get out," Nihlus growls at him.

"Come on, that's just cruel and unusual," I tell Nihlus. "Don't you think?" I look back to Kaidan, my eyes telling him that I'm being tortured, and he's the only one who can save me. "Migraines," I confide in him, remembering that he has headaches, too.

The wave of sympathy that crosses his face is almost comical. "Are you getting the light show?"

I bite my lip. "That was an hour ago. By now, I can see sounds."

Kaidan shakes his head in sad understanding. "You probably won't get much out of her in this condition, Spectre Kryik."

_Haha, suck it, Nihlus._

"Go," Nihlus says. His mandibles are flexing harder than ever now. "Go quickly. Bring the whole damn pot, for all I care. She's going to tell me what I want to know."

Kaidan goes, carrying the armor, and to his credit he doesn't even scurry; just walks out all confident and—

_Hey, Faye, don't forget you hate that guy._

_Well, sure, I hate him, but he isn't afraid of too much. Plus, he's bringing me coffee._

"It's not clever to be able to manipulate someone so nice," Nihlus remarks, yanking me back out of my own thoughts.

"Wouldn't have to manipulate anyone, if you weren't violating the Geneva convention six ways to Sunday."

He draws back in surprise. "I'm shocked that you'd admit you manipulated him." He drops back into the seat next to me, and sighs, deeply, looking weary all of a sudden. It occurs to me that he isn't just pissed, he's trying to figure this out. His old mentor pulls a gun on him, tries to kill him ... this isn't all about me.

"Look, this looks bad for you. Terrible, actually. A rogue Spectre just tried to kill another Spectre, and you obviously knew something about it, and you're not co-operating. Tell us what you can, and I can get you immunity. I promise to keep you safe. I'm on your side on this."

He sounds so sincere and so damn hurt, I fall for it for a second or two.

Until it occurs to me he's trying to pull a Good Cop, Bad Cop with only one cop.

_Who's bipolar now?_ I smirk at him. "Oh, bravo. Epic performance. Where should I send your Oscar?"

Nihlus opens his mouth to speak, but stops when Kaidan rushes back into the room.

Followed by Commander Shepard. _Well, there's that second cop you asked for. And if Nihlus is willing to cross the line to do his job, what might Shep do? She was willing to commit genocide at Aratoht to stop the Reapers._

Well, sure. But she doesn't have this bug up her butt that Nihlus does. Maybe I'm _more_ likely to come out of this alive and intact with Shepard coming in as a clean slate?

Nihlus gets up, walking over to her. "Commander."

Welp, that's it's, thank you everyone, goodnight. I'm dead. I thank Kaidan for the coffee as he pours it and settles in next to me.

Nihlus and Shepard speak in low voices, and I just start shaking. A terrorist who conspired to kill a Council Spectre, being interrogated by the Spectre in question and also _Commander Fucking Shepard._ This is an obvious lead-in to _died under questioning_ going on my final record. I gotta say, I never saw this one coming.

_Hey, dumbass, did you forget you're not really here?_

_Shit. Yeah, I did._ I let out a shaky breath, and Kaidan puts a hand on my back.

"Don't be scared," he murmurs. "Just answer everything as honestly as you can."

I look at Shepard's eyes, a green about a million shades brighter than my own nearly-green orbs. _Hey, Shep, I'm currently at home, probably having a seizure or something, and by the way, you're not real._ Sure, that would work. Those bright green eyes stare at me as she listens to Nihlus brief her on my alleged crimes. Sure, why not tell her none of this is real? There's no way that won't go well for me.

_Faye, if you think there's _any_ good way out of this room now, you're dumber than you think._


	7. Chapter Six, JAG

_Okay, so this should also be updated on a weekly schedule on Mondays. And if you've now got the song Manic Monday stuck in your head, YOU'RE WELCOME. Mwahahahaha._

* * *

Chapter Six

_JAG_

Kaidan comes to sit next to me while Nihlus and Shepard discuss my fate. He doesn't say anything for a minute, warm brown eyes just looking at me as he sets down the coffee pot and pours me a mug. I fidget, but I don't say anything. Stupid silent trick doesn't work on me, I know that one. As soon as he's done pouring, I grab my coffee and drink at it greedily. I _know_ caffeine doesn't work instantly, but I still feel my headache receding the minute the watered-down bitter muck hits my tongue.

"Better?" Kaidan smiles at me.

"Some," I admit. I sit quietly, just trying to get as much of that awful mud-water into me as I can. He doesn't say anything until the third cup is halfway gone.

"So, were you involved with Saren?" he finally asks.

My eyes widen and I nearly choke on the last of my coffee. _Stall! _"What, you mean, like, was I sleeping with him?" I flick my eyes toward Shep and Nihlus; they're still talking, but I can tell they're watching me. So, this is all part of their thing. I'm obviously less wary of Kai then of them, so send him in. I glare at him, wanting to let him know I'm onto his game.

He's blushing slightly. "No, that's not what I meant. Were you working for him? People seem pretty concerned that's the only way you'd know what he was doing."

I sigh, rolling my neck. Running around in all that stupid armor put kinks into my muscles. My shoulders hurt, too, especially the so-recently dislocated one. "Look, I'd never work for that guy. He's major bad news. Just, go tell the Council. Maybe they'll listen this—" My mouth snaps shut on what I was going to say. _Maybe they'll listen this time? Jeez, Faye, did your mother have any kids who lived? _Stupid Kaidan with his idiot puppy dog eyes! I never would have fallen for that from Nihlus or Shep.

"Have you tried to let them know what he was doing before?"

I shake my head, not as an answer, just refusing to say. He sighs and takes my empty coffee mug, setting it on the table so he can grab both my hands.

"Look, Faye. I know you're not on his side. I really do."

_Shit, his hands are warm._ I pull my hands back a little, but he keeps a firm grip, looking straight at me.

"Just, help us make our report to the Council. Then we can see about getting you back home, or wherever. It's going to be okay."

Those stupid melted-chocolate eyes! _What the hell, I hate this jag. How is this working?_ I look at the ceiling, the floor, Shep and Nihlus, but my eyes keep getting drawn back to his face. His stupid pleading eyes.

"You don't actually know I'm not on Saren's side. Ask Shep or Nihly, they'll tell you they can't be sure."

Kaidan breaks into a grin. "Shep or Nihly, huh?"

I must've looked panicked for a second, because he pats my hand. "I didn't—"

"It's okay. I won't repeat that to them. Can you help us with the Council? Commander Shepard and Williams and I didn't get there until everyone was already shooting. Without you as a witness, it'll be Nihlus's word against Saren's. No good if he's really up to something. Whatever Saren's planning, you can help us before it's too late."

His voice comes out rich and soothing, feeling like velvet on my manic nerves. I can't seem to just tell him to fuck off and die. I mean, what's the worst that happens? They have to go to the Council, have to report Saren. It couldn't hurt if I helped out just a little, right?

My eyes drop, focusing on my hands. "Fine," I whisper. "But I have demands. I need a shower. And something to wear that isn't jammies. And for the love of God, I need more coffee!"

Kaidan laughs. "I think we can manage that, Faye. Sit tight a second." He pats my hand again before popping back up to speak to Nihlus and Shepard.

Tempting, tempting coffee pot sings at me and I grab it, pouring the last bit of murky dishwater into my mug. I swear to God when I get home I'm spending a week at Starbucks.

Kaidan's back a moment later, sitting next to me while Nihlus and Shepard sit across. There's a little bit of your-turn-to-curtsey, my-turn-to-bow as they figure out who's running this thing, and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. Something tells me they wouldn't appreciate it.

Eventually, they seem to settle on Nihlus being in charge. "Alenko says you plan to co-operate?"

"Yeah, I'll talk to the Council. But first, I need—"

"Yes, he told us your demands." Mandibles flick in irritation. Shepard just watches silently, her green eyes seeming to miss nothing. I bet she can read those micro-expressions. They're the only part of the lie I can't sell yet, tiny fleeting expressions that show your true emotions, no matter how good you are. I bet the N training does a whole week on them.

Nihlus chuffs softly. "First, you can make a statement." He tosses a datapad on the table.

My brow furrows as I pick it up. "Can you … can you switch it to English?"

"You should be able to manage, with your omni." Nihlus's seawater eyes bore into me.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure you know by now I don't have one," I snap. I watch as Nihlus glances to Shepard, and she looks back without flinching. I swear, I can read I-told-you-so from him.

Kaidan places a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "He wants an explanation of why you don't have one."

I shrug, half in answer, half trying to get his too-comforting hand off of me. "Never got one, that's all. Is that a crime now, too?"

Nihlus growls slightly at Shepard, and she shakes her head. _Huh. Looks like Nihly is still super-pissed. And Shep is actually on the good cop side?_ I never would have predicted _that_ one. Cool, maybe I lucked into a more Paragon Shep than I thought.

_Don't forget, Aratoht happens either way._

_Shitballs, no kidding. Even if she's being nice now, at some point she kills a bajillion batarians._ Kaidan grabs the datapad and presses a few buttons before handing it to me, now in English.

It's just a form, nothing threatening. I had to fill one out before, when that guy—

_Oh, but you don't want to think about that._

Nope. I absolutely do not. And since the late Leroy Jenkins disappeared sometime after we got back to the ship, I don't have to. I let a giggle escape; the caffeine must be hitting.

"Do you think you can keep her focused long enough to finish that, Alenko?" Nihlus stands, rising to his full, imposing height and looking down on us.

"Yes, sir. And then I'll see that she gets what she needs. Shower, coffee, food."

_Ugh, food. And he looks like a force-feeder, too. _ _What a freaking jagoff. _I'm mostly ignoring them, though, clicking on the little buttons to type in my answers. I'll be finished with this in no time. Then, a quick jaunt to the Citadel, tell them what's going on, and—then what?

Well, there's a question. I've already been in this hallucination waaaay longer than I'm used to, with no signs of waking up. I mean, the exciting, nightmary part is done with, for me. If I don't wake up, I'll probably be dumped on the Citadel. End up at a shelter or something. Surely I should be waking up by now.

I reach for my coffee cup, then stop when I remember it's empty. And that's weird, too, because usually I can't eat or drink in dreams. Full Technicolor, yes. Pain (as long as it's not self-inflicted), and heat, and I can even read and write. But I never get to _eat_ anything, or if I do, it tastes like cardboard.

My fingers continue to fly over the keyboard as I puzzle this one out, detailing how Saren drew a gun on Nihlus while the latter had his back turned. Running just two thoughts at once is really kind of a break for me.

_The coffee does taste pretty shitty. Haven't ruled out dream._ I finish my report and hand the datapad to Kaidan.

"Well, that was fast. And thorough," he says.

He scrolls through it, and my heart starts thumping a little harder. This _is_ a dream, isn't it? It has to be. There's no way for me to legitimately be here … right?

I taste blood and realize I must have been chewing my lip pretty hardcore. One hand presses against my mouth. Yup, that's blood, all right. Shit, it's been a while since I chewed it enough to bleed it.

"Shit, you're bleeding," Kaidan says suddenly. He pushes my hand away and turns my head, getting a better look. "It's not too bad. Just, quit chewing on it, okay?" He grins at me, then. "Guess I better get some food in you quick, huh?"

_Ugh, stupid force-feeders. If I wanted to eat more than a couple snacks over the course of a day, I would._ But just then, my stomach rumbles, and I give up. I'm not going to be able to convince him I'm fine unless I eat something.

Just what the hell is this goofy bastard's problem, though? What compels certain people to feed total strangers?

He stands up, offering me a hand to get to my feet.

_Well, lookit that. Chivalry's supposed to be dead, but it's not going down without a fight. Not with Mr. Chocolate-Eyes Alenko willing to keep up his side._

I sigh, resigning myself to eating _something,_ at least; enough to get him off my case. I ignore his hand, though, and also his kicked-puppy look when I get up myself.

_Stupid goofy Kaidan. We hate this guy. Agreed?_

_Sure, sure. We hate him. But hey, at least his food issues mean you'll be able to see if you can taste food. You'll be able to dismiss this as a dream once that cardboard feel fills your mouth. Then maybe you can take a nap and wake up in the hospital._

Right. Get a sammich, get a nap, and wake up to a lecture about proper medication use. Uh-huh. I follow Kai out of the interrogation room, realizing that I'm stuck with him babysitting me until they drop me. His stupid inadequate human height. And ugh, hair instead of a crest.

_I probably won't see Nihlus again._ I bust my ass to save him, and I'll never even get to really talk to him. And also, he hates me. Stupid hallucinations. Never go the way you'd like them to.


	8. Chapter Seven, Shadows and Ghosts

Chapter Seven

_Shadows and Ghosts_

"Wait here," Alenko tells me, nudging towards the cafeteria table. I want to argue, but that's only habit. So instead, I slide onto the bench and wait. Jerk-face is probably gonna come back with a ridiculous amount of food, and expect me to eat all of it.

He doesn't disappoint. When he returns, he has two trays, absolutely loaded with meatloaf, gravy, mashed potatoes, and something green that I guess is supposed to be a vegetable.

"You know I'm not a biotic or anything, right?" I ask, boggling at the sheer volume of food he's brought. "I don't have to eat this much just to keep running."

"Not what Nihlus said. He said you tried to throw some kind of biotic attack at Saren." Alenko shrugs. "Eat it or don't." He digs in, and I'm left confused.

_He's not gonna force the issue?_ I glare; right, sure, _I'm_ the manipulative one? I know he knows lack of resistance takes all the wind out of my sails. I start to pick at the food, first moving gravy off everything and segregating foods so they don't touch.

It takes me a minute before I have the nerve to try anything. I'm hungry as hell, but I just know it's gonna taste liked rained-on cardboard. And if it doesn't, it'll seriously call into question my whole Hallucination Hypothesis.

But instead of trying to cajole me into eating, Alenko just sits there acting like he doesn't care one way or the other, and my stomach starts rumbling again.

_You win this one, Canada._ I pick at the potatoes, the only thing that looks edible on my plate, and let out an involuntary moan once I take a bite. I barely see Kai's eyebrows shoot up; I'm too busy with my fucking potatoes.

"Ith thith rea badda?" I ask, hand over my mouth so he can't see me chewing.

"Uh … yeah, probably real butter. Are … are you okay?"

Still groaning, I tell him, "Fine." Fuck yes, real butter. And garlic. And _oh my god,_ they left the lumps in. They taste exactly like I make them. In fact, they taste better than any mashed potatoes anyone's ever served me. They taste waaay better than any dream food ever—

_Shit. Not dreaming?_ I take another bite of my mashed potatoes, trying to convince myself it doesn't mean anything. Just because I can _taste_ them doesn't mean they're real. Maybe I just got better at dreaming.

"Never seen anyone make that much noise over ship-food," Kaidan says.

I swallow my last bite of potatoes. _Gone too soon. You will be missed. _ "Yeah, well, don't worry. I'm not touching the green mush or the brown thing that might be some kind of meat."

"Fair enough. Did you want more?"

"Hmm? No. No, I'm good." Good, but … distracted. The potatoes taste like potatoes. The coffee is shitty, but unmistakably coffee. There's only one thing left to prove the dream theory. I twirl my fork around slightly. Pain is pain, but dream-pain can't be self-inflicted. Not for me, anyway; no idea how anyone else works.

_There's no way I can get away with hurting myself just to check. Not with Canada sitting right there._

"Are you sure? I can swipe some more potatoes for you, if you like."

_That'd work._ "Yes, please." I smile at him a little, and he smiles back before getting up to feed me some more. A second later, I have the fork gripped tight in my fist, ready to stab.

Ready.

Aaaany second now.

_Just do it before he gets back and stops you, you coward._ I slam the fork down, jamming it into my left hand. _Oh you cocksucking son of a bitch that HUUUUURTS— _I gasp, shaking, barely able to hold back the scream.

Pain.

Real pain.

Whatever else it means, it means I'm _here,_ out here on the _Normandy,_ possibly stuck. I start to grey out, vision going funny. I need the fork out _now,_ but trying to pull it only gives me another wave of pain; the damn thing's stuck.

"_Faye, what are you doing?"_ The voice comes from a distance, and I feel a pressure on my wrist, pulling me out of my seat.

"I'm fine. I slipped."

Kaidan's look of panic is just too comical, and I burst into giggles.

"No, you're not fine. Let's go." He pulls on my wrist, and I have to dig my feet in. _Oh, hell, no._ No way I'm letting him take me to the med-bay with stories of how I hurt myself. That never ends well.

"Nonono. I'm good. Look, no real damage." I wiggle my fingers as proof, and the forks bobbles.

Canada shakes his head. "Please don't do that."

"Look, just help me get the damn fork out and slap some medi-gel on it. You're kind of a medic, aren't you? Don't tell me a simple fork in the hand is beyond your level of expertise."

Kaidan looks confused as hell, and I can't really blame him. "Don't you want some pain-killers first?"

I stifle a giggle. I can't help it, he looks like a confused puppy. "I'd really just like the fork out of my hand."

He still has his iron grip on my wrist as he sets my hand back on the table, holding it still. "You know this is gonna hurt, right?"

"Just do it, Canada." God, he is such a _whiner._ He finally yanks the fork out of my poor hand, and the potatoes I just bolted move around in my stomach threateningly. _Don't puke, Faye, or they'll definitely send you to the med-bay._ I fight the nausea to a stalemate and take my hand back from Kaidan. The fork had gone in right between my thumb and forefinger, almost deep enough to come through on the other side. I wiggle all my fingers again to make sure I can.

"Here," Kai says, smearing medi-gel on the little holes in my hand. "But I really think we should get you to Dr. Chakwas. If you managed to do something like this unintentionally, you may have a brain injury of some kind. You'll need to be looked at—"

"What? No, wait." I try to pull back, but his hand locks around my wrist like a manacle again. Why is he so damn strong? Half the fandom thinks he's a pussy; he shouldn't be able to move me around so easily.

"Faye, this is serious. What if next time, you slip and stab yourself in the face?"

I know that struggling to get loose and failing only makes me look weak, so I force myself to stop. "What if I can promise it won't happen again? No med-bay, though." I stare at the floor while he considers.

"How could you promise that?" he asks.

Blushing, I work my mouth, trying to get the words out. This never goes well, and there's a chance he'll drag me to the med-bay anyway. The last thing I need is to end up in some future-iffic psych ward. "I didn't slip," I finally admit.

Silence stretches out to eternity, and I can feel him judging me … but then his grip on my hand softens.

"You did this on purpose? Why, Faye?" He sounds mystified, so I risk a glance at him, and dammit.

He looks so _hurt,_ like I personally wounded him with this. Not just a force-feeder, some kind of care-troll. I pull my hand back, and this time he lets me. I rub at the holes from the fork; they're already closing up. Medi-gel is freaking awesome.

"Look, I had a good reason, and it won't happen again. Just, no med-bay, or I can guarantee it will happen again."

His face closes down, and instantly I realize that was a mistake. "Fine," he says. "Let's get you your shower."

"Kaidan?" I have to trot to catch up as he starts marching away. Ugh, stupid Kaidan. I should be somewhere talking to Nihlus, and instead I'm chasing this goofy bastard down the hallway. "Kaidan, wait."

He glances back, but doesn't slow; I'm still within sight, after all, able to keep pace. He doesn't answer, either, just quick-walking away, with me following like a trained puppy.

_Dammit, jerk-face._ I sigh, but he doesn't seem to notice, ducking into the elevator. I hesitate stepping into it, but take a deep breath and steel myself. It's only a floor or two, I can't be stuck in there too long.

_This is a _Normandy_ elevator, Faye. You could be stuck here all week._ I snort laughter at myself, and Kaidan still doesn't acknowledge me. Which, you know, should be great, but I still feel bad, for some reason. After the elevator, Kaidan steps into a little closet-thing and comes out with a pile of clothing.

"That's a uniform," I protest, shaking my head. Much as I would love to be an Alliance Marine, I know I'm not.

"No insignia on it. And anyway, it's all we have."

I shiver at the chill in his tone. _Way to go, Faye. He was the nicest guy in the world, and in a few short hours, you managed to change him into a complete tool. You should sell this stuff._ I'm still nearly jogging to catch up, until Kaidan finally stops at another door.

"No one uses this one. You should have privacy." He leans against the wall next to the bathroom door, eyes staring off into the distance.

I pause before going in. I don't know why he's having such a problem. It's not like I stabbed _him._ Still, my skin crawls with the need to fix it, to make him not mad at me anymore. "I'm sorry," I mutter, escaping into the bathroom before he can reply. I don't wanna know what he might say if an apology doesn't cut it.

_ Forgot it, Faye. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, especially not jerk-face force-feeding care-trolls from Canada. _

Right. Besides, I have a whole giant bathroom to myself, and I can finally get a damn shower.

I set my pile of clothes down, rifling through them a little. Standard-issue black uniform thingie, standard issue socks, undershirt … bra and panties. I blush, realizing he had to have sat there thinking about my sizes.

_Heh. If the bra doesn't fit, you can tease him about it until his head explodes._ I smother a giggle. It should be soundproof in here, but I'd rather not find out it isn't by getting caught laughing to myself like a crazy person.

_AS a crazy person, my dear Faye; not a simile._

_Too true, dear Faye, how could we forget?_

_Everybody, shut it, we can take a shower without the damn commentary._

I start the water before shrugging out of my jammies. It starts steaming right away, and I have to actually turn it down to make it comfortable. But once it is, I step into the spray, moaning into the soft heat.

_Good water pressure, too. Not what I expected on a spaceship._ I'd only ever heard complaints about showers on-ship from military family members. No water pressure, no hot water, two minutes to shower ….

_If that fucker thinks I'm finishing a shower in two minutes, he has another thing coming. I can't even get my hair properly rinsed in two minutes._ I do soap up and rinse quickly, though; just in case someone does make a big deal about how long I take.

Still, no one's complained by the time I'm shampooing my thick locks, so I take my time rinsing it all out again. Fuck, the water feels good. So relaxing ….

"You don't deserve to relax."

_Not this fucker again._ "Shut up, Jenkins."

"If you had been paying more attention, I would still be alive. I was just excited to see my home planet again."

I open my eyes, and he's standing a little distance away, thankfully not looking at me. I'd've had to kick his ass if he was fucking _watching_ like a creeper.

"Look, dude, seriously. You were told to stay in cover, and you bolted, like a moron, right into enemy fire. That one is 100% Jenkins's fault, not Faye's." I'd flip him off, too, but he's not looking. _Wasted effort,_ I think, turning back to the water.

"Sure, sure. It's always someone else's fault. Never Faye's. Like the car accident."

Despite the heat, I shiver. "That one wasn't me, either." My head starts thumping; don't tell me the caffeine is wearing off already? I turn the water off. I need to get out of here and get another coffee, pronto. I pull a towel out of a dispenser on the wall—_damn, that's useful—_and dry myself quickly.

"You knew what would happen," Jenkins whispered.

My eyes are blurring; from the headache, dammit, not because my eyes are tearing up. I get into the undies, bra, undershirt, forgetting to wring my hair out so it doesn't soak my clothing. _Need to get out of here. Out of here and away from him._

"You saw him standing there. You knew what he was gonna do. Why didn't you stop him?"

"What was I supposed to do?" I snapped, rounding on him. Then I shook my head, turning back to my new uniform. I shook it out and stepped into it._ Just ignore it, he's not even real, just ignore him, Faye …._

"You just watched him, Faye. Watched him, and made a joke about ragdoll physics as the van flipped him through the air."

I moan to myself, sinking to the floor, the headache growing to a horrible thumping, like the heartbeat of some diseased animal. Why was Jenkins doing this? It wasn't a joke, the ragdoll physics, that was just … freakout. I ran to help him, didn't I?

"Did you help him, though? He died, Faye. While you sat there not doing a goddamn thing. And then you used it for a _story."_

"Please, stop it. I didn't know if I could roll him over to start CPR. I called 911 …." My hands grip my head, as if I can either keep the pain in, or the words out. It feels like my head's gonna to come apart like a rotten pumpkin.

"And it'll serve you right. At least then, no one else will get killed because of you."

"No no no please," I whisper, rocking myself. The pain has blossomed inside my head, growing at an exponential rate. I feel myself starting to float away; am I fainting? Please, yes. Let me faint for just once ….

"Faye, what's wrong?"

I open my eyes, to see Kaidan crouched over me. I flinch back as he reaches for me. "J-jenkins," I manage. Fuck, this pain is too much. I feel like I need to open a hole in my head, let the pressure out. That'll help.

"Oh, shit, Faye." His face falls, like, really, it looks like it's sliding off his skull for a second. "I should have realized, I didn't know you would take his death so hard."

_What? That's not …._

"Look, Faye, these things happen on mission sometimes. It was nothing you did, at all. No more fork-stabbing, alright?"

Oh, what a fucking idiot. Completely miss the point, while I' sitting here dying with the headache equivalent of the Big Bang happening inside my skull. Even caffeine would take too long to help at this point. I'd kill for a fucking cigarette, but I can't smoke onboard, can I? "Stim," I mutter.

"What?"

"Stim, dammit! The first aid one, or some fucking coffee, anything." I start shaking. I've been manic for days, I can't come down off of it now. Not all at once.

Kaidan opens my eyelids, looking into my eyes. "Shit, you're going into a mild shock. Wait here." He grips my shoulder reassuringly before dashing off, but that's the worst fucking part.

Because he didn't just grab my arm, his fingers sank into it, like I'm made out of jello or something. While his back is turned, going only as far as the first aid dispensary, I press my hands together, and my mouth falls open in horror. The fingers on one hand shove right through the other hand; there's some resistance, but not much.

_Oh, shit, what the actual fuck? _The resistance lessens and I wiggle my fingers, my stomach turning at the way they stick out of the back of my other hand. I yank them away from each other just as Kaidan comes back, syringe in hand.

_It's going to go right through me,_ I think, but it doesn't. It goes too far, maybe, but then it sticks a little, and seconds later I can feel the stimulant hit. A few seconds after that, I feel more substantial again; I test it by pressing my hands into the floor, and I can't sink through it.

"Faye." Kaidan checks my pulse, looks into my eyes again, and gives a shuddering sigh. "It's all right, Faye. You're going to be fine."

I look at him, thinking I should say something. Reassure him, maybe. I don't fucking know. Because all I'm thinking is that he's wrong.

_No, Kaidan, whatever this shit is, I am definitely not going to be "fine."_


	9. Chapter Eight, Council

Chapter Eight

_Council_

"Have you got your extra stim?" Kaidan murmurs. He checks his pistol for the third time before strapping it in. Ash stands nearby as we wait for the others so we can exit the _Normandy._

"Yeah, I got it, already." I put my hand in my pocket and touch the auto-injector.

"If you would just talk to Chakwas—"

"I'm fine," I hiss. Stupid Canada, doesn't he know doctors aren't there to help?

"Alright, people, let's go." Shep marches by, fully armored, with Nihlus keeping pace. Anderson left a few minutes ago, to talk with Ambassador Udina, but since we still have Nihlus, we can go straight to our Council meeting. Three Councilors, no waiting.

Kaidan puts a hand on my elbow to guide me, but I pull loose. _For the billionth time, Canada, I can walk on my own,_ I think, falling into step behind Shepard. Ash brings up the rear, and I can feel her eyes crawling over me, jumping every time I jump. Which, is a lot. I dosed myself on as much coffee as I could hold, so I'm jittering around like a downed power line.

And that doesn't help my nerves, any. Out of the whole group, I'm the only one with no armor or shields. Just a regulation uniform, with the insignia removed. I glance back at Ash, who's glowering at me. Insignia or not, she hates seeing me wear it, I can tell. Well, you and me both. I know I haven't earned it.

Shep and Nihly are still doing that who's-in-charge thing as we walk onto the Citadel docks, and I wonder again just how bad I messed things up. The whole game is supposed to be Shep, making the hard choices. Shep, charming or intimidating everyone into pulling together. Shep, saving the galaxy. Now she has another Spectre watching her every move, still—and that's another question. Is he going to be "another" Spectre, or is he "the" Spectre? Maybe Shep doesn't even get to be made a Spectre, now.

"I told you that you'd messed everything up."

_Oh, shut up, Jenkins._ I can't say anything out loud; Kaidan's already watching me like I might fall apart any second, and he thinks I'm guilty about Jenkins. Which, I'm not. I know that wasn't on me, no matter what Jenkins says.

We finally step into the Citadel proper, and I freeze, mouth dropping open. _Holy shitsnacks, it's huge._

The sky poises above the five arms of the wards, and though it seemed small enough in the games, this is just … like whole cities … I can't ….

"Move it," Ash growls behind me, and this time when Kaidan grabs my elbow, I let him. I don't think I can keep myself walking when there's so much to _see._

The streets are New-York-City-crowded, and almost none of the people are humans. _Volus … hanar … drell female!_ I know I'm staring. I just have to hope it's not too rude to drell; I've never seen a female before, and I have to memorize what they look like. _No boobs, duh, muted colors compared to Kolyat and Thane, oh my god, lookit her dress, it looks like ceremonial robes or something._ My hands itch for a notebook; I only took one anthro class, but this is seriously like an anthropologist's wet dream.

_Anthopologist … um, xenologist? All-advanced-civilization-ologist?_

"Oh." My stomach turns, and I finally stop staring at the drell, instead trying to figure out what that smell is. "What …?" Then I see them. Two elcor, dead ahead. _That's right, they communicate with smell. Thank goodness it's just strong, and not actively offensive._ I turn to ask Kaidan a question, and he's just gazing at me with a thoughtful look on his face.

"What?" I demand.

"Nothing, nothing," he says, still holding my arm and escorting me. "You just seem very excited to be here."

"Yeah, well, I came from a backwater, just like Nihlus said." _Yeah, a backwater called THE PAST. No aliens there. Not unless you believe the stuff on the History channel._

_Lol, or maybe Orange Dude is totally on the money, and the turians have been messing with history this whole time. _I start laughing, and Kaidan smiles at me.

"What is it?" he asks.

"Just wondering if the pyramids were the turians, or the asari. Aliens," I add, holding both hands up and giving my best high-as-balls grin.

"Huh?" Oh, that poor, confused Canadian. I really should start messing with him on purpose, instead of just accidentally.

"Cut the chatter, people," Shep says, and I shut my mouth, concentrating on following Kai's lead and not bumping into any aliens. After a few minutes of walking, we reach the elevator to the Council chambers.

"Oh, hell, no," I whisper. My eyes travel up the glass tube the elevator uses, my neck craning as I look up to dizzying heights. Glass walls? That high? No, I don't think so.

"Faye? Something wrong?" Kaidan's brow furrows. Dammit, if I don't get on the damn thing, everyone's gonna know how I feel about elevators.

So I shake my head, mumble that I am fine, and step into the damn floating glass coffin. I start hyperventilating as soon as the damn thing starts moving. Why does it move so slowly? I thought we were in the fucking future!

_Breathe, Faye. Just breathe. No one else is freaking out about the death trap._ In fact, no one else even seems aware they're in a death trap. Everyone stands casually, while I'm waiting for the stupid thing to bust its strings and send us screaming all the way to the bottom. Smash, raspberry jam. Someone'll have to pick the glass out of our remains, though.

My stomach turns, threatening all the coffee I sent it. Ugh, that's the other thing about too much caffeine; it does tend to make me a little pukey, after a while.

"Oh, wow, check out the view from here," Kaidan murmurs.

I glance over to him, and immediately regret it. Glass fucking elevator. Who builds a glass fucking elevator? My legs tremble, and Canada seems to realize this, rushing back over to put an arm around my waist.

"Hey, what's wrong? Do you feel sick?"

_No, you moron, I feel like I'm about two seconds away from grisly death! _I don't say anything, though, just shake my head. Which, he might not have even seen, considering how bad I'm already shaking. My eyes search desperately for something to focus on, not the glass, not the doors, not my feet, perched on a thin shelf of metal maybe a mile into the air … and they land on Nihlus.

Nihlus, who's just watching, and can probably smell my fear.

_ Just go over and kick him in the balls, Faye. _I snort laughter to myself, and a moment later the elevator doors open. _Whee, I survived! _I step out of the elevator. Slowly, with dignity. Nihlus is still watching, so I raise an eyebrow at him. He doesn't respond, only walking ahead with Shep, to go to their stupid Council meeting.

_Yeah, you better run, before I kick your spiky ass._ I giggle again, my nerves settling down and my blood flowing at a normal speed again. Just a quick Council meeting, and then I can go. No more elevator, no more spaceship … it's really a shame. I'd thought space would be awesome, but I didn't realize how much it sucks to have only one layer of metal between you and Certain Death.

I fall in behind Shep and Nihly, Kaidan and Ash in the rear. And that stupid corpse Jenkins keeps pace with me. I think once we finish this meeting, I'm going to see if I can shove a ghost into an airlock somewhere and vent him.

"You should really think hard about how this meeting is supposed to go, Faye." Jenkins doesn't look at me—can he even see me, with blood still in his eyes? And suddenly I'm feeling uneasy. What could possibly go wrong here? We have Nihlus, this time.

"Garrus Vakarian, C-Sec."

_Ooh, really?_ Shep stops up ahead, Nihlus twitching irritably beside her. Fantastic, I finally get to see my two turians side by side. Nihlus is a little taller, but Garrus seems more built. I think I like Nihlus's armor better; the black and red is much more dramatic than the blue. And they use more body-language—um, face language? When there's two turians around. Holy shit, their faces are a lot more mobile than people think. I swear, it looks like their mandibles are speaking in complete sentences.

"What's that you're humming?" Kaidan whispers to me.

"Hmm?" I ask. Then I play it back in my head, and start blushing. There is no way I am telling Canada that I was humming "Archangel is a Centerfold." Because Garrus Vakarian. "Nothing," I whisper, trying to ignore how hot my face is. Shep and Nihly finish their conversation and we all start moving again.

Garrus waits politely as we file past, and I realize I may not run into him again. If Shep & co don't dump me here, I am probably gonna wake up soon, anyway. So as I pull level to him, I call out, "Watch out for rocket launchers."

Jenkins sighs, Garrus looks confused, and then I'm moving past him.

"Sure," Jenkins says. "You not seeing Garrus Vakarian is the issue here."

_Huh?_ I turn to look at him. Ask him what the fuck he's talking about, and never mind how crazy I look. But he's gone, and Kaidan touches my elbow again to get me moving. I climb a billionty steps and try to figure out just what the heck Jenkins was trying to tell me, while Shep and Nihly start talking to the Council.

_Ugh, it is fucking criminal that you can't skip cut-scene s sometimes . _I sigh, but at least this gives me time to think on Jenkins and his stupid cryptic warnings. Not even warnings, more just pointless sarcasm. And if anyone around here is a master of pointless sarcasm, it's me.

_Focus, Faye._

Right. He said something about Garrus. About me not seeing Garrus again, and how that wasn't a problem. Well, sure, I've always been more drawn to Nihlus. He has the danger thing going a lot stronger than Daddy's-Boy Vakarian. He's a full adult, too, not some man-child running around derpily until game three.

_Probably not the point, Faye._

Sure, right. Jenkins doesn't really give a shit about which turian I am currently fantasizing about.

"I resent these accusations. Nihlus is a fellow Spectre … and a friend."

_Speak of the Devil …. No, bad Faye! He wants you dead! No matter how sexy-scary his voice is …._

I can feel Nihlus bristling as Saren speaks, defending his actions to the Council. Saren's eyes move over all of us, looking condescending as shit, pausing only briefly on me. Fuck, he recognizes me. Well, good thing I'm probably getting out of here. Finish the meeting, then I go somewhere else—probably home, sweet home—and Shep and co can go get … Garrus ….

_They get Garrus because they can't pin Saren, though …._

"That was your doing, Saren, not ours!"

_Tali and Wrex, too … if they do manage to fuck up Saren's shit now, they can't go get the rest of Shep's team …._ My hands go cold. Shit, can she even do this without half her damn crew? Fuck, they might not even get the intel to go after Liara, and then Shep'll never get the beacon images interpreted ….

"Took you long enough," Jenkins mutters.

_Are you back again? Any particular reason you couldn't have just explained this the first time, assface? _

Jenkins shrugs, then walks away. I can't follow without people noticing. And besides, that's not really the deal right now.

"The testimony of one terrified dock worker …."

_Shit, shit, shit! That's gonna be my cue._

_Run. No, no good._

Kaidan places his hand on my lower back and nudges me forward, standing dead center in front of the Council.

_Kick Canada in the shins and then run!_

_Yeah, probably not. _I take a deep breath. All eyes on me. _Hey, maybe if I hold that deep breath, I can pass out. And fall off this little platform, to my death._ I edge one step forward, but Kaidan's half-psychic or something; he holds my arm to steady me.

"Well?" the asari councilor asks me. "Did you also witness this altercation?"

Panic blooms, obliterating all thought. "Yeah, I saw it." _Shit, not that! _"I saw the whole thing." I can almost feel the thought; I scrabble for it, dragging it from my brain and forcing it through my mouth before I can examine it.

"I saw it in a dream." The three councilors all furrow their brows at me, mouths dropping open. Sparatus's mandibles flail like they're drowning and the salarian guy can't stop blinking.

_Oh my god, the looks on their faces are priceless. Please tell me we got vid of this. _"Saren is working with the machine gods, to destroy all civilization in the galaxy, with space magic."

Beside me, Canada looks stunned, his mouth open about halfway to his chest and his hand tightening on my arm. It seriously feels like he wants to shake me. Behind me, Nihlus growls, starting out quiet, but the threat of tearing my throat out cannot be missed. Even with the language barrier, I can feel his rage.

"I, for one, welcome our new synthetic overlords," I finish. There is a beautiful, pregnant pause while everyone tries to process that.

Then, the Councilors start talking over one another. Saren loudly decries my "evidence" while Nihlus tries to argue back. Shepard snarls at Kaidan, "Get her out of here," and he starts dragging me away.

Not before I see Saren staring at me.

Evaluating me. Shit, he looks curious_. Looks like Saren is still top on my list of people to avoid. _

Kaidan drags me down the stairs, marching a little faster than my stride allows for comfortably. I trot, hoping I don't fall down; I think he'd probably just keep dragging me. It feels like he's gonna wrench that arm right out of the socket again.

"Why?" he asks when he finally stops.

And now I feel guilty. He looks so fucking _wounded,_ like I betrayed him with this.

"It's not what it looks like," I mumble.

He drops my arm, like he can't stand to touch me anymore, and wipes his hand on his pants. I just hang my head; I can't stand the judgment in his eyes.

"Then tell me what it is, Faye. Because it looks like you just destroyed our chance to stop Saren. Why would you do this?"

He's not even yelling, and I start flinching. The hurt tone, it's just intolerable.

"Look, Kaidan." Movement catches my eye. _Ohhhhh, shit._

Nihlus strides toward us, looking for all the world like a jungle cat stalking its prey. Oh, he's gonna _kill_ me.

I lick my lips. "Look, Kaidan, it's more than just Saren." The words shoot out at breakneck speed; I have to make him understand before Nihlus takes me somewhere to shred me, hopefully figuratively.

"Shep needs her full crew to fight the Reapers, not Saren, Saren's one of the least important parts of all this. And you guys have to go, now, and find her crew. You're gonna find three today. Garrus Vakarian—"

"The turian from C-Sec? The one we already met?"

"Don't interrupt!" Nihlus is halfway to us, already; his eyes blaze at me. "Garrus Vakarian, Urdnot Wrex, and Tali'Zorah vas Norman—uh, Rayya. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya."

"Did you just say 'vas Normandy?'" Kaidan asks. His brow is furrowed; I can't tell if he's listening hard, or just confused.

"Please, it's important, you have to pick up those three—"

"Faye," Nihlus hisses, grabbing me by the scruff of my neck. Kaidan starts to say something, but Nihlus ignores him, instead leading me away with just the tight grip he has. Talons dig in on either side of my windpipe, not hard enough to bruise, but way hard enough to let me know I'm in trouble.

He purrs at me, low and dangerous. "I'd like a word."


End file.
